


Shame

by bklt



Series: Texts [3]
Category: Wynonna Earp (TV)
Genre: Coming Out, F/F, Sexuality Crisis
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-02
Updated: 2019-07-02
Packaged: 2020-06-03 00:09:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,114
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19452349
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bklt/pseuds/bklt
Summary: “I guess… what I’m really worried about is, if I tell her, it means I have to tell her. Like, physically, with my mouth. Like, sit her down and go heyyy guess what sis? Your baby sister is… I’m…” the words shriveled in the air.“Jesus, you can’t even say it.”Waverly struggles with her sexuality, Doc's departure, and the fact she can't talk to Nicole about what's really going on in Purgatory.Takes place during the events of S1E10.





	Shame

**Author's Note:**

> Part three of writing fics based off of theroadtopurgatory text exchanges. Enjoy!

_oh my god_

_Oh my god_

_OH MY GOD_

_Oh my god_

_I thought for sure we had been busted_

_Dude also your sister banged Doc_

_I can’t hear you. LA LA LA LA LA LA LA_

Waverly put her phone down on her desk, the adrenaline still coursing through her shaking fingers making the device clunk ungracefully onto the wood.

This was getting ridiculous.

Honestly, Waverly was shocked Wynonna didn't figure it out right then and there. Her and Nicole's faces were millimeters apart. What else could they have been doing? Telling each other's lips a secret?

She forced her hands to her laptop, typing out the first two letters of each time-killing site out of anxious boredom on her laptop. fa, tu, tw, she watched them all autocomplete and promptly backspaced each time, the pit in her stomach annoyingly unignorable.

To make matters more confusingly frustrating, there was a small part of Waverly that wanted to be found out. That all the work of coming out could be done for her, the band-aid ripped off so she didn't have to deal with the stinging anticipation of it all anymore. She still couldn't articulate why she had to keep her and Nicole's relationship a secret from Wynonna. All she knew was she felt invisible. Wynonna couldn't see it happening literally right in front of her.

Waverly grumbled and typed a string of keymashes into the address bar next. She was angry, and it made her more upset knowing her anger was, if she was being fair, slightly unjustified. Apparently Doc and Wynonna had...something going on. And apparently, it was obvious enough that it wasn't surprising news for Nicole. Even _Bobo_ knew. But it didn't feel like even ground; at least, that's what Waverly told herself. For her, it was more than the fact she was seeing someone. It was a life altering event.

Still. What was it about her and Wynonna that they couldn't confide in each other about these things? 

With Wynonna and Dolls out of BBD and doing their own thing she wasn't invited to, Waverly didn't have to make an excuse to go and see Nicole before heading back to the Homestead. She slammed her laptop closed and shoved it into her bag while she speedwalked to the bullpen of the Sheriff's Department, needing Nicole's calming presence to bring her back to earth.

She was at her desk and back to plodding away at paperwork, still the only one in the room. At hearing Waverly’s rushed footsteps in the hallway, Nicole looked up in amused relief, setting her pen down and shaking her head with a heavy exhale.

“That was really close.”

Waverly frowned. “Yeah, in what way? Our _noses_ were touching.”

Any amusement over the situation evapourated when Nicole saw Waverly was less than thrilled about it. She nodded slowly. “She seemed pretty preoccupied with the whole...yeah. That’s probably why she didn’t notice.”

“Yeah. Probably.” Waverly crossed her arms. She really hoped Wynonna didn’t think anything of it, that there wasn’t a possibility that it’d suddenly click when things calmed down. “The two of them are a trainwreck in motion. Her and Doc.”

“Okay, who is Doc—Henry—anyway? He and Wynonna are—” a death glare from Waverly made Nicole stumble and rethink her sentence, “uh, he’s around a lot. But you never really talk about him.”

Waverly thought of an answer to give, one that made the slightest bit of sense. Nicole understood that Waverly couldn’t explain everything—”classified”, Nicole would say, giving a painful smile that was meant to be reassuring but only deepened Waverly’s guilt. But Doc? There wasn’t a bit of him that was normal whatsoever. It was impossible to describe Doc without the whole being immortal thing, or that he was best friends with her great-great grandfather, or cursed by a witch and thrown to the bottom of a well for a hundred years. Paring down all of those things left the appearance of an eccentric man who liked to play cowboy.

“Friend of the family.” _A hundred years ago_ , thought Waverly. “He sorta came back into our lives after we moved back onto the Homestead. He’s been helping us ever since.” 

It wasn’t a complete falsehood. Waverly didn’t have it in her to sound convincing, and judging by Nicole’s expression, she wasn’t convinced either. Besides, there was almost no way Nicole didn’t think it wasn’t at least a little coincidental that he happened to be named Henry, with Doc as a nickname—something that must’ve slipped out at one point. Waverly had an explanation for that question too; something about him being kind of weird and wanting to be referred to as the gunslinger of yore.

“I see,” Nicole said flatly, barely biting down the suspicion in her voice. “So is he Black Badge, or…?”

“Kind of? Like how I’m kind of Black Badge.”

“And he helps you and Wynonna out?” 

Suddenly Waverly was on the recovery. She realized too late she dug herself a hole she wasn’t sure how to get out of. By mentioning those two things, she inadvertently added more evidence to the “the Earps have something strange going on” case file Waverly knew Nicole was compiling in her head. Not knowing how to weasel her way out of the question, she gave a noncommittal shrug.

“Yeah. Kind of.”

 _Three “kind of’s” in a row? Great job at not seeming shady at all, Earp._ The ensuing silence was awful. Waverly had been caught in a lie and they both knew it.

“So, uh,” Nicole cut in, “why are Doc and Wynonna a trainwreck?”

_Besides a hundred plus years of weird baggage and the fact if the implode the curse will never be broken?_

“They clearly have feelings for each other. Neither of them want to admit it, and now that they’re sleeping together…”

“Fucking the feelings out will make it worse?”

“Nicole! Jeez!” Nicole bit back a laugh at Waverly’s shock. “You’re not wrong! But please refrain from saying “fuck” as a verb when referring to my sister?”

It was Nicole’s turn to be shocked. “Whoa! You _do_ swear!”

“Well, if I save the curse words for when I really mean it it’ll have more of an impact, right?”

“That’s for sure,” said Nicole. She pursed her lips. “It’s kinda cute though.”

“Hey! Not what I’m going for!”

“I can’t help if everything you do is cute.”

“Trust me, not everything.”

“Uh huh. Try me.”

Waverly subconsciously straightened her posture to demonstrate her un-cuteness. “I have a shotgun, and I know how to use it.”

“You? A shotgun?”

“It’s Purgatory. You’re practically born with a gun in your tiny baby hands.”

“Mental image aside, you understand why this is surprising, right?”

“I know. Like a Redwall mouse wielding a bastard sword. I get it.”

Chuckling, Nicole reached out to touch Waverly’s fingers, her eyes darting around the room to make sure they weren’t almost caught again. “I thought you were trying to prove that you weren’t cute.”

“Fiiine. You win,” Waverly pretended to acquiesce, deciding not to remind Nicole that she killed a man by stabbing a pair of scissors through his ear.

“But you’re definitely full of surprises. I’ll give you that,” Nicole said.

“As long as they’re good ones.” Waverly’s fingernails dug into the palm of her hand.

* * *

It was never a dull moment in Purgatory.

Aside from pretty much nothing to do, nowhere to go, and the fact that everything closed too early to do anything anyways, Purgatory breathed with a life of its own, a strange, stale stench like the maw of a beast. The hairs on Nicole’s neck were constantly on edge, keeping her focused and sharp even in the most mundane of circumstances. What seemed like a normal check in could turn bad at any moment, even if it was a report of an old pink car driving down the highway out of town.

And the dread was there, Waverly sitting beside Nicole in her Crown Vic as the sirens blared, gaining ground on the swerving car in the distance. Waverly was pale and silent, her eyes dead ahead and shooting lasers at the old Caddy. Nicole didn’t ask why Waverly had to go with her. The desperation in which she grabbed her coat and bolted out of the station was reason enough.

She gunned the acceleration.

Luckily, the driver had sense enough to pull over, breaking too hard and skidding a good fifty meters across the snow. When Nicole stopped, she reached for her clipboard and bit her lip, looking at Waverly for what she should do next.

“Waves, am I in danger here?”

Her eyebrows shot up. “What? No.”

“You seemed...this seemed urgent.”

Waverly’s face fell to cold neutral. “It’s Henry.”

Okay, not what she was expecting. “I have to give him a ticket,” Nicole said blankly.

“Yeah, good. And when you’re done I’m going to ream him out.”

“Uh.” Nicole opened the door. “Alright.”

Curious, Nicole made her way over to the pink car (strange colour for the gentleman—but hey, props for not conforming to gender norms), and leaned on the passenger side door to see Henry smiling like an excited kid.

“You’re going 140 in a 50 zone,” she said, kicking into officer mode. Henry’s goofy grin didn’t change. She expected some smooth talking with that drawl of his, to cleverly finesse his way out of a ticket. Instead he looked confused—no, that wasn’t the right word. Henry looked like he had absolutely no idea what she was talking about, as if the concept of speeding was made up on another planet.

“License and registration?” she tried.

“Well it’s me, Officer Haught! And...I have neither of those things.”

The way he said it so blatantly wasn’t because he thought telling the truth would get him out of the situation. He was genuinely clueless. Nicole was about to press for more, but the slamming of her car door and stomping of angry feet interrupted her.

“Oh boy,” she muttered.

“How ‘bout a freakin’ explanation, huh?!”

Henry’s eyes widened at Waverly’s voice. “If there is any kindness in you, you will arrest me, and quick!”

It clicked. He was driving out of town. And Waverly wasn’t supposed to know about it. Nicole had a feeling Henry had seen some shit in his day, and if Waverly was enough to put fear into him...well, Nicole hoped that she’d never have to be on the receiving end of it any time soon.

Knowing she wasn’t going to get any further with Henry, and especially not with Waverly breathing fire beside her, Nicole finished up the ticket, tearing his copy and handing it through the window. “Sorry there, “Stone Cold”. Not gettin’ off so easy.”

Taking the paper, Henry took a second to read it, narrowing his eyes like it was going to bite him. She shook her head and made her way back to the squad car, leaving Henry to face a decidedly not-cute-when-angry Waverly. 

They were going to be here for a while.

Lunch was a peanut butter and banana sandwich on grainy toast, along with her giant thermos of coffee she probably didn’t need more of. Nicole looked out the windshield at Waverly, whose anger had turned to a simmer. Nicole wished she could hear what the two of them were talking about. Her imagination wandered to what tantalizing, classified secrets they were exchanging, what sort of urgent thing was happening that Nicole couldn’t be privy to. But logically, she knew it was nothing of the sort. Henry was skipping town and Waverly was trying to talk him out of it. Simple as that.

Except nothing was simple when it came to Henry—Doc. _Doc_. Doc as in…?

It wasn’t the first time Nicole came to that conclusion. She was about to dismiss the very idea as ridiculous, until she remembered that she entertained the thought—the fact?—that Purgatory had something supernaturally wrong going on. When it came down to it, was it really that big of a step to think that Henry could be—

But he died. Tuberculosis. He and Wyatt Earp ran together and he died.

 _Friend of the family._ Waverly called him a friend of the family.

The revelation had Nicole reeling. This man, driving like he didn’t know how and probably didn’t, in a pink Cadillac, was John Henry “Doc” Holliday. _The_ Doc Holliday.

The pieces continued to fall into place. No wonder Waverly was so pissed that Wynonna and Doc were sleeping together. That must be historically awkward in ways Nicole couldn’t even begin to unpack yet. And no wonder he was helping the Earps. Three people, Wynonna, Waverly, and now _Doc-Freakin’-Holliday_ , all Earps or Earp associated. There was no doubt in Nicole’s mind that whatever was going on in Purgatory had something to do with the Earps anymore.

Fear knocked the feeling of victory right out of Nicole. The attacks on the Homestead. That serial killer. Those demons Wynonna saw as a little girl, and how everyone called her crazy for it. Willa’s death. The Earps were constantly a target, fighting for their lives against who knows what. _Waverly_. Christ. She had to live like this since the time she was born. And Nicole could do nothing about it.

Classified. Everything was classified.

The Caddy slowly began to move.

* * *

_The difference is? She adores you back._

* * *

The pink Cadillac had long driven down the road, a modern cowboy riding off into the sunset moment that should’ve warmed the heart while credits rolled. Instead Waverly found herself trying not to cry in Nicole’s squad car, nostrils flared and ears hurting from holding back tears.

“I’m so sorry, Waverly,” Nicole said finally, letting her eyes wander off the road to look at her.

Waverly sniffled and continued to stare out her window. “Yeah, well, I should’ve expected this.” 

She felt Nicole shift beside her, unsure of what Waverly meant and how to ask. She didn’t have an answer for her either, unsure of how to vocalize how important Doc was to her, and especially Wynonna. And no matter what the both of them said, it was more than just sex. No one skipped town because their heart was intact.

“Wynonna and Dolls are in the Pine Barrens somewhere and he goes off without saying goodbye. Who knows what trouble they’re in? It was harder for Waverly to hold herself back. Anger was replaced with fury. How could Doc just leave them like that? To not care what happened to them? To Wynonna? She needed him more and more every day and he was fine with sulking off to lick the wounds of his broken heart. 

“I thought he’d stop being selfish for one goddamn minute and…” she wiped away a tear with her oversized fuzzy mitten only for more to fall in its wake.

“Hey,” Nicole slowed to a stop and put her hazards on, the snow crunching beneath the tires as she put the car in park. Nicole gave her full attention to Waverly, removing her Stetson in a polite sort of gesture. Something that, white cute and charming and gentleperson-ly any other day, reminded Waverly too much of Doc.

Nicole placed her hand on Waverly’s thigh. “Hey. I might not get it, but...Doc is your friend. And it’s shitty of him to leave when so much is happening to you guys.

“Real shitty,” Waverly’s voice cracked. If only Nicole knew the extent of how shitty it all was, that she and Wynonna had a burden that, even if Nicole had an idea of what was happening, might not believe it if Waverly told her. Or—and Waverly hated entertaining this thought most of all—that even if she did, Nicole would decide Waverly was more trouble than she was worth and take off.

Just like Doc.

“God, Wynonna’s gonna be pissed. If she gets out alive.”

“Do they need back up?” Nicole suggested half-heartedly, knowing the answer already.

“No. No, they’ll be fine. I’m being dramatic. I mean, Wynonna ideally found her gun and Dolls is a kick-ass secret agent guy. They can handle it.” Another lie—and they were really piling up lately. Whatever they were dealing with, a bunch of cops weren’t going to help, and they couldn’t see what was going on anyway.

“Can you drop me off at the Homestead? I need to be there for when Wynonna comes back. And Gus said she was coming over.”

“Yeah, of course.”

Putting the car into drive, they headed down the empty road toward the Homestead, Nicole gripping the steering wheel and lips taught like a bowstring. God, Nicole really didn’t do subtle. Waverly could only imagine how Nicole felt, confused and wanting to help so badly and knowing she couldn’t. They were alike in that way; they saw problems and needed to deal with them. Solve them. But they were constantly pushed aside by the people they cared about for fear of their safety. Though Waverly hated when Wynonna did it to her, here she was, doing it to Nicole.

But it was different for her, right? What choice did she have?

One of Gus’ many trucks were already parked on the Homestead by the time they arrived, Nicole pulling to a stop and getting out of the car to walk Waverly to the porch.

“Call me later, okay?” Waverly said, taking one of Nicole’s gloved hands.

“I will.” She gave Waverly a quick kiss. “Hey...Doc could come back. Maybe he needs to blow off some steam. Y’know, drivin’ to clear his head?”

Waverly shook her head and shrugged. Doc barely knew how to drive, and the concept of driving as stress relief was likely not even something that occurred to him. “I don’t know. We’ll see.”

It looked like Nicole was about to say something else but thought better of it. Waverly gave Nicole’s hand a paltry reassuring squeeze before she turned to her Crown Vic, her black boots heavy in the delicate, pristine snow. 

This wasn’t the note they should’ve left on. Nicole deserved better than the half-assed responses that Waverly had been giving the past couple of days. But there was nothing else to do but step onto the porch when the car door shut, Waverly waving goodbye and watching Nicole drive away until she couldn’t see the sirens anymore.

When Waverly finally entered the house, Gus was waiting for her in the kitchen with a smug look on her face. Waverly raised an eyebrow. “Hi?”

Her aunt stood up and smiled in earnest, taking Waverly by the shoulders and brushing her hair behind her ears. “Finally went after something you wanted for a change.”

Waverly felt her face burning. Not now. “You saw that huh?”

“Y’think I’m not gonna look to see who’s pullin’ up on your land?” Gus scoffed. “Good for you, kid. I was gettin’ tired of watchin’ you two give eyes to each other all the time.” 

Waverly groaned. “How come everyone knew this would happen before I did?” She corrected herself. “Almost everyone.”

“Wynonna doesn’t know yet?”

Opening the fridge, Waverly was unsurprised when she found nothing inside but a jar of kosher pickles and definitely expired condiments inside. “Apparently she’s the only one who hasn’t figured it out yet.”

Gus took a swig of beer, the heavy bottle clunking on the table. “Y’know she cares about you, right?”

“I know. But…” Waverly looked at the pickle jar, allowing herself a brief smile when she remembered how much Nicole hated pickles. “How has Wynonna, who can tell when I’m even the tiniest bit sad, not been able to figure out that...this?”

“Well she probably doesn’t want to assume. You’d been with Champ so long after all.”

“Don’t remind me.” Waverly grumbled and closed the fridge. There really should be more food in the house. 

“You afraid she’s not gonna like you?”

“It’s complicated.”

Gus held her hands up. “I won’t pry. I know you hate when people press ya.” She gave Waverly a knowing side-eye and took another sip of her beer. She was definitely going to pry.

“You’ve always kept your secrets close. But don’t let that keep you from lettin’ people in altogether.”

“It’s-”

“Complicated? Relationships are complicated, Waverly. Romantic, friends, family… nothin’ comes easy. But holdin’ everything in all the time isn’t gonna help you.”

“It’s not that simple!” Immediately felt like a defiant little kid again, annoyed that her aunt didn’t get it , that she couldn’t see the intricate web of hurdles that was her life. “I’m not ready.”

“With big things there ain't a “ready”.”

“This is different! Sure, yeah, okay, Wynonna’s gonna be fine with it, but I’m—” she swiped her hair back, “I don’t even know if…”

“If _you’re_ fine with it?” 

Defeated, Waverly slumped into a dining chair, avoiding Gus’ gaze and staring at the old tablecloth. She took a deep breath. “It’s not that, exactly. It’s that everything is happening to me all at once, and suddenly realizing I’m not who I thought I was is the last thing I need.”

Gus clicked her tongue. “C’mon, you don’t believe that. You wouldn’t have Nicole if that was true, now would you?”

Waverly smiled. She was so caught up with everything that somehow, the simple, beautiful, _magical_ fact that she had Nicole was something she didn’t stop to bask in enough.

“I guess… what I’m really worried about is, if I tell her, it means I have to _tell_ her. Like, physically, with my mouth. Like, sit her down and go heyyy guess what sis? Your baby sister is… I’m…” the words shriveled in the air. 

“Jesus, you can’t even say it.”

Waverly hung her head. She told herself so many times what she felt couldn’t have possibly been true, that she was open minded and didn’t care. That if she felt that way about herself, then what did it say about what she thought about others? About Nicole? What they were? 

But in the kitchen with Gus looming beside her, her guardian of fifteen years, there was only one word for it. It bloomed in her chest like a weed, roots strong and deep and felt like tendons. 

Shame. 

“You talk to Nicole about this?”

“Some things, yeah.”

“Then keep talkin’ about it. Talk about it ‘til you figure it out then talk some more. Because you don’t gotta do this alone.” 

Waverly just wanted to crawl inside of a hole and stay there. 

“Look,” Gus said, turning so she was shoulder to shoulder with her niece. “You got a good, sensible woman who wants to be by your side. Your sister? You couldn’t make her leave you no matter what. And I’m not gonna lie and say what comes next is goin’ t’be easy. It’s Pugatory, for chrissakes. There’s ignorant shitheads who aren’t gonna like what you are.”

It was the truth, but it didn’t stop Waverly from wincing. The thought of all the people she’d known for her whole life looking at her like she was an abomination was sickening. 

“But there’s people who always will, even when it gets hard—especially when it gets hard. And those’re the ones you gotta keep close, even if it means being vulnerable.

Waverly grit her teeth. “Yeah, well, I tried that and he left.”

“Champ?”

“Ew, no. I dumped him because he was being a pig.”

“Say what now?” Gus leaned back in her chair and gripped her bottle with the determination of a knight going into battle. Waverly couldn’t help but laugh.

“As much as I’d love for you to punch him in his extremely straight white teeth and extremely straight white being in general, it’s okay. Promise.” She sighed. “No. Henry’s gone.” 

“What?”

“Yeah. Just up and left. Wynonna doesn’t know about that either.”

It took a few moments for Gus to think of what to say. “Did he know? ‘Bout you?”

“Figured it out. And he was really good about it, actually. Guess that secret’s safe with him now that he’s not around to tell it.”

Drinking the last of her beer, Gus fumbled with the empty bottle and nodded to herself, her expression softening when she looked up at Waverly. 

“I’m not sayin’ you’re never gonna get hurt. And trust me, it’ll happen and keep happenin’, from the people you care about most of all. But y’can’t like your life all shuttered in because you’re afraid of a little rain. You’ll wilt that way.” 

Gus stood up and put her hand on Waverly’s shoulder the same way she’d always done since she was a child. Waverly knew what it meant even though Gus never said the words anymore.

_Remember that, kiddo._

Opening the fridge, Gus groaned in annoyance, letting the heavy door shut and grabbed another beer from the counter instead. “I needa start bringin’ my leftovers. Still not used to cookin’ for one—you know how much Curtis liked to eat. And lord knows you girls could do more of it.”

* * *

Almost every night, Nicole called Waverly after they’d both settled down from work, a consoling bookend to what was usually a rough day for both of them. Tonight was no different, even though Nicole was working the late shift. On her last break, Nicole called Waverly like she said she would, who turned her webcam to face her and pressed accept.

Nicole’s image loaded on the screen. She was in the break room of the Sheriff’s Department, and despite looking tired, was already smiling at the camera on her phone. 

“Hey!”

Waverly smiled back. It was good to see her. “Hey baby.” 

“How’re you feeling?”

“Mm. Could be better.”

“What’s wrong?”

Waverly grabbed a stress ball from the edge of her desk, a cheap little thing she got in a grab bag at some high school event. Today royally sucked, and her conversation with Aunt Gus was still fresh in her mind. The issue at this point wasn’t telling Nicole. When it came down to it, how Waverly felt had nothing to do with the supernatural. It was figuring out where to start. But she had to try.

“Yesterday, with Wynonna almost catching us...it sort of freaked me out.”

Nicole sunk in her chair. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have started anything when there was that risk."

"It's okay! I wanted it too and I knew what could've happened. It's not that. God, it's really embarrassing." She sighed. "I think I know why I can't tell Wynonna."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah. Because I can't even say it out loud."

Sad understanding spread through Nicole, nodding slowly at Waverly’s answer. “I know what that’s like. For all the talk of others accepting you...sometimes the hardest part is accepting yourself.”

“It feels so ridiculous, you know? Like I don’t care, but then I do, and then I think about if Wynonna came in a second later and saw us kissing. How I’d feel. And then I’d feel bad for even thinking that way, and that you’d think—you’d think I was ashamed of you.”

“I wouldn’t think that, Waverly. I know you’re not ashamed of me or what we are. It’s personal. And being in Purgatory? There’s a lot to internalize.”

“I don’t know what to do.”

Nicole sighed. “I wish I could tell you there was an easy way to feel different. But it’s nothin’ but time, and telling yourself there’s nothing to be ashamed of until you start believing it. And even then it doesn’t disappear. I still feel that way sometimes.”

“Really?”

“Really. Sometimes I think about how much easier it’d be. Or someone says something and on that day, I can’t let it slide. It’s always a work in progress.” Nicole chuckled. “I mean, usually this sort of thing takes a while to realize. You kinda jumped head first into it.”

“You mean I jumped and climbed on you like a tree,” Waverly giggled. Looking back, it was amazing how bold she felt in that moment, how she threw caution and the voices in her head to the wind. That while everything was going to literal hell around her, Nicole was the one thing that made sense. She didn’t think about what would come after—the whirlwind of confusion, the fear. But for all of that, she didn’t regret Nicole for a second. Now it wasn’t just about her. She had Nicole to think about too, and there were still things she needed to make right.

“Hey. I’ve been uh, evasive about everything lately. And I’m sorry. It’s not that I don’t want you to know.”

“I know. It’s okay. Classified, right?”

“No. It’s not okay. It sucks and it’s not fair.”

The blurry image of Nicole faltered—the connection on the Homestead was balls—forcing Waverly to stare at a freezeframe of Nicole’s sympathetic gaze for a few painful moments before straightening itself out.

“Waves, Black Badge is really, really important to you. I’d never ask you to compromise that so I can be a little less confused.” 

Waverly continued to squeeze the stress ball, watching the light blue material crumple and expand like a lung. “I know how much you want to help. And it means a lot to me. Being there—here. Even though it’s hard.”

“Of course, baby. I wanna be here for you.” Even the poor video quality couldn’t dullen the shine of Nicole’s smile, those dimples Waverly couldn’t get enough of.

“When this is all over…” Waverly swallowed, “you’re gonna get an earful. You’ll need a looot of coffee.”

Nicole chuckled. “And until then? I’m not goin’ anywhere. Okay?” 

Tension unwound in Waverly’s chest at Nicole’s words, everything she’d kept inside rising up like a shaken bottle. And she didn’t bother to hold back this time. The tears came readily for Nicole to see, whose eyes went wide in concern.

“Wave…”

“It’s okay. I really needed to hear that.” She rubbed at her eyes. “Sorry. I’m upset about Doc still. Him leaving.”

“You don’t have to be sorry. You’re allowed to be upset about this.” 

That only made Waverly cry more. She hated how emotional she could be, how people would roll their eyes and sigh whenever she got upset, that she felt too much. But Nicole telling her she was allowed to, that it was okay to show it was overwhelming, that she didn’t deserve such a kindness when Waverly was keeping so much from her.

“When I said Doc and Wynonna were a trainwreck in motion? Well.” She laughed bitterly. “This is going to kill her. Like, literally kill her. Without Doc she’s screwed. Or...you know what I mean.”

Nicole tilted her head. “It’s not just about how it affects Wynonna, is it?” 

Though she didn’t want to admit it, Nicole was right. “He’s a big, lying asshole who only cares about himself. For all the times he helps us, he also makes it worse because he can’t see past his own stupid hat to stop and think for a second.” It felt selfish to be so angry at Doc when she wasn’t the Heir, wasn’t the one at risk. Yet, Waverly felt a kinship with him, someone who’d been with Wyatt since it all began. And he left them. Just like he left her great-great grandfather, history repeating itself like the curse that dogged them.

“But I can’t even stay mad at him! Because no matter what he did, he at least listened to me. Humoured me with all my questions and things everyone found annoying and tried to make me not look like an idiot in front of Steph—god, Steph—”

She needed to catch her breath. Nicole kept silent, nodding at Waverly to indicate that she was still listening. “And he knows about us. That we’re… that I kissed you. And when I told him, it felt good that he was happy for us. That this big, giant secret was out there and it was actually okay. And now he’s gone.” 

“I’m so sorry, Waverly. I can’t imagine what you must be feeling right now.” 

Waverly’s breath hitched. That was the thing about Nicole. She knew when Waverly needed to hear platitudes and when to offer sympathy. Right now, Waverly didn’t need to hear if it was okay or not. All she needed was to be heard. And Nicole was there, a half hour out from the Homestead but still ever present, listening. Hearing. And Waverly wanted to reach out through the screen to touch her and feel her in return, to huddle against her chest and smell sweet vanilla and pine. 

“Nicole.”

“I’m here.”

And Waverly saw that same desire, Nicole leaning forward in her chair, wanting to hold her and keep her close, to protect Waverly from something she couldn’t understand. 

“I can’t do this. I can’t—” 

Waverly almost let it slip. How the curse was killing her and Wynonna both, eating away at their flesh like circling vultures. Seventy-seven and one by one Waverly saw Wynonna falling deeper. Because even if they won, even if they survived, they would never be intact. 

“Waverly.” The hurt was evident in those earthen coloured eyes. “Yes you can. You are so strong, baby. You’re smart and resilient and you can fight this. You have a shotgun and know how to use it, remember?”

Waverly laughed despite how she felt. “Yeah. Yeah I do.” 

She shook her head. If only a gun was all it took, she thought, recoiling as soon as she did. A gun was all it took, what it all boiled down to. A neverending cycle of violence. Killing—or, like all her ancestors before, being killed. And Wynonna was next. Waverly went pale.

“Waverly?”

“I still don’t know where Wynonna and Dolls are.” It was getting late, that specific sort of late where panic pooled and thickened in the pit of her stomach, helpless in knowing there was nothing to do but wait. “If Doc were here…”

“Hey. You said it yourself, right? Wynonna’s got that gun. And she has Dolls. Nothing’s gonna mess with him.” She looked off to the side of the room where a big clock hung. “How ‘bout I stick around and distract you until they come back?”

Waverly’s heart melted at the offer. “You're at work."

“It's late and no one's around. I can put my phone down if someone comes.” Waverly didn’t think it was possible for her heart to liquefy further—it was overkill really, but Nicole just had that effect on her. Always did.

Again that horrible feeling that she didn’t deserve Nicole, that she was too good for her. When she thought about saying it she held back, already knowing what Nicole would say. That she did deserve this, that for once, she was allowed to feel something good in her life. Putting her stress ball onto the desk, she looked at the moving picture of perfection before her. Nicole— _her_ Nicole—waiting for Waverly's answer. 

“I'd really like that. Just don't get in trouble because of me."

"I'll be fine, don't worry. I—" 

Someone else came into the break room, the audio too garbled for Waverly to hear what was happening. Nicole's jaw tensed as she stood up, looking a mix of worried and apologetic.

"I have to go. Wynonna and Dolls are back. They brought in a bunch of girls with them."

Relief flooded Waverly. They were safe. Not only that, but the girls in that creepy cult were too. Of course Wynonna would go back for them. For all Wynonna believed that she was a bad person, Waverly knew better. Wynonna would never leave those girls hanging if she had something to say about it—and Wynonna _always_ had something to say.

While Waverly was disappointed that her and Nicole’s call was cut short, she understood that Nicole had a job to do. "Thank goodness. Go and officer it up, Haught."

Giving one last smile, Nicole ended the call, leaving Waverly to stare at her avatar and hope Wynonna would be home sooner rather than later. 

* * *

Waverly was outside as soon as she heard the rumble of Wynonna’s truck. She was about to tell her about Doc when Wynonna stopped her, indicating the woman following meekly behind, dressed in white with a wolf pelt stole around her neck. 

There was something about her that made Waverly’s entire being freeze in the cold winter night. She couldn’t bring herself to say it. But it turned out she didn’t need to.

When Gus’ beer shattered on the porch, so did Waverly’s world.

_“Willa.”_


End file.
